Entries from March 1, 2007 - April 1, 2007
Joanna M. Doane
BIO
I was always a very “locked up,” introverted person- not because that was my real personality, but because I’d learned those behaviors to cope with my situation at home. I had no self esteem or self confidence, and I do not trust others to be in my physical space. An important step in my healing came before I even admitted that what I had experienced as a child was abuse- I encountered the conductor James Jordan, who directed our freshman choir at college. Seeing the way he was able to put himself up there and “connect” to the choir was an eye opener for me, although I did not realize why at the time. I continued to learn about conducting and the combination of vulnerability and strength required to be successful. This was going to be difficult for me! I remember a specific conducting class in which Dr. Jordan had me conduct a piece by simply grasping each person’s hand in the choir and making eye contact with them as they sang. There were other lessons with other teachers, including one strange instance where I had to conduct standing on the piano and another where my otherwise mild-mannered professor vehemently challenged me to finally start taking myself seriously as a musician. I had all the talent but no confidence! I flourished as a solitary composer but struggled continuously as a conductor charged with leading others.
Finally, the moment came, although it was a moment in my personal relationship that influenced every other aspect of my life from then on. Pushed for albeit innocent closeness from my boyfriend at the time, I had a bit of a breakdown. That was the first moment that I described to anyone what had happened to me as a child. Suddenly, it made sense- yes, what happened was NOT normal. And it WAS affecting me. It was affecting everything I did. I found that “saying it out loud” was an important step in healing, and I was to do it many more times after that moment. I still am not afraid to do this today if it will help others, be it in print or in a candlelight vigil with numerous onlookers.
With the understanding I have gained I continue to grow as a person, both in my dealings with others and as a conductor and a professional. In 2000 I moved to Charleston, SC and formed a small volunteer chorus to sing a candlelight vigil for Child Abuse Awareness Month in April. The vigil took place in the historic Porter’s Lodge, off the Cistern at the College of Charleston, and continued there for several years before moving to a bigger park, then finally indoors to beautiful Grace Episcopal Church. The concert intersperses poems written by child abuse survivors (including my own) with choral music that reflects the sentiments expressed in the poems. The evening is truly a journey “from darkness to light” and has helped others to process their own abuse as well as to educate the community about the effects of abuse.
I feel like I was called to conducting not only to struggle with my own demons but also to create an event such as this that can be an inspiration to others needing comfort. I am a totally different person and conductor than I was in my days in undergraduate and graduate school- some would say unrecognizable. As I prepare to start a new chapter in my life (doctoral studies) it is interesting to reflect back on what I have accomplished as a survivor. I want to continue the Child Abuse Awareness Month concert wherever I may go and to find more ways to network with therapists, organizations, and survivors. I would like as much as possible to help survivors to work through past issues by encouraging personal submissions of poetry and artwork to be included on the concert. The more I can continue to use my skills in the arts to help others, the more successful I will feel as a survivor.
Today I am a very different person than I was. I am more self-assured, outgoing, and personable. I am aware of my gifts as well as my challenges, and I do not allow myself to succumb to the idea that I am limited by my experiences with abuse. I can now take an educated look at my reactions to situations and work to make sure I am reacting to what is happening in the present, not to abuse that happened in the past. Moreover, I have a sense of personal vision and the desire to turn my experiences into a positive by using my journey to help others.
Much of my archive deals with my growth as a survivor as it relates to conducting. I can’t really separate those two things; for me they will always be intertwined. What I want to get across to everyone is that we as survivors do not have to live a life beset with limitations. You must have the courage to heal so that you can be strong enough to achieve whatever goals you may have, whether it be to obtain a leadership position, be a good parent, or have positive relationships with other people. Learned self-perceptions and behaviors do not have to make your life less full. You deserve a life well-lived, not a life of imprisonment to an abusive past.
~ Karen's Contact Information ~
Email: marrollik@yahoo.com
Homepage: http://www.myspace.com/karenconductschoirs
Q & A
1. What is your favorite coping skill?
2. What was the best piece of healing advice you ever received?
3. What was the worst piece of healing advice you ever received?
4. What were the three hardest obstacles to overcome?
- Oh, the voices, the voices- the insidious voice in your head that tells you how worthless you are, how you have no right to speak, etc. etc. I guess we all have an inner dialog going on, but survivors have a really ugly pod cast going on in their brain, and I was (and sometimes am) no different. I was asked once to ascertain whose voice was speaking. Sadly, it was mine. It wasn’t even a parent telling me about myself- it was so ingrained that it was me. So I’ve had to reeducate myself about myself, as it were. The things your abuser told you about yourself were not true! Stop replaying them.
- Other than the inner dialog, I would say that general feelings of inadequacy and incompetence have been huge stumbling blocks that I am learning to deal with. I know the things I do well and when I hit a spot where something doesn’t go right and maybe I (*gasp*) make a mistake, I learn from it and continue with activities where I feel more confident while still working on the weak areas of my life. In my work it is imperative that I carry myself with confidence, so this has been a HUGE obstacle that I have had to overcome to even carry on in my field.
- Lastly comes the need to please. I think it is natural for someone who has survived abuse to feel that they have somehow let down their abuser by not being good enough, and they continue to find parental figures in their lives that they are trying to please. I know I am guilty of this. I have to continually tell myself that “so-and-so is not my father.” I think there is a certain small amount of caring what others think that is actually healthy and can get you ahead in life, but creating your own self image through the approval of others is NOT healthy. So I am working on trying to find that balance in my life.
5. Have you ever hit "rock bottom"? What kept you going?
Another thing that keeps me going is the example of other people who have dedicated their lives to helping others or who have come through various types of tough experiences in their lives and turned them into a positive. I am very inspired by people like Dr. Martin Luther King Jr., who waded through the volatile waters of segregation and bigotry to be an example to the world of how we should treat others. His road certainly could not have been easy and was at times terrifying, but he stayed the course and worked for the betterment of all people. Tori Amos lived through rape at gunpoint and told her tale to the world. In a general way, she is an example to all trauma survivors through the fearlessness of her music and her founding of RAINN. However, she has often more specifically been an inspiration to me as an artist and a composer using the arts to educate and to heal. When I was first asked to perform “No Petals For Her,” I was okay with it, but quickly had misgivings. I thought I had not right to say what I had to say, that no one wanted to hear it. But a friend put things in perspective when he said, “What if Tori Amos had never written or performed ’Me and a Gun?’” It was also partially her example that inspired the Child Abuse Awareness Month concert that I organize. Figures like that inspire me to take the tough road and speak out, which ultimately helps me to heal myself as well. Finally, I am increasingly inspired by the actor Billy Boyd, who dealt with some tough and even tragic circumstances in his youth (primarily the loss of both of his parents at a very young age) but has grown into an example of humor, positive energy, gentleness, and charity. He is an excellent example of someone using their celebrity and influence to help others. I had the pleasure of attending a charity brunch at which he was the guest of honor, raising money and awareness for a cause that was important to him, and it just made me feel incredibly inspired to continue doing more to raise awareness for my own cause- and to continue to grow and to be strong as a person so that I had the ability to do more for survivors. People like that make me want to throw off my own burdens and “get over myself” in a sense so that I can grow to be a better person. If I were speaking to a survivor I would definitely encourage them to gain inspiration by looking to the people who seem to take limes and make margaritas.
6. What does forgiveness mean to you?
7. When did you know that everything was going to be okay -- that you were going to make it?
I don’t think there is one specific moment. I feel like I have continued to see glimpses of this feeling throughout the past 8 years- a success as a conductor here, an interaction with a person there, a glimpse of myself in a song or a movie somewhere else. I don’t feel like I have had one “moment” of realization that it would be okay, but these disparate moments of epiphany let me know that I am on the right track, that others have felt as I have, and that I can continue to make the right choices and be successful. They’ve all been equally important to me.
I guess if I had to choose the first moment it was probably my graduate conducting recital. In the last days of the rehearsal process, it wasn’t going very well for various reasons- some of them simple logistical reasons and some of them issues with me asserting myself enough to get the job done. I was told if I was going to pass I would have to yell, scream, and throw things to get people’s attention. So I had a decision to make about what kind of a conductor I was going to be, and what kind of a person I was going to be. The choice I made was, I simply told the truth. I told the choir the issues that we were having. I told them what had happened to me and what success in that recital meant to me and my journey. And what happened was inspirational- they came on the journey with me. I don’t make a habit of getting up in front of a group that I’m conducting and telling them about my history, but in this instance it seemed totally appropriate- and no one had seen a recital turn around that fast!
The evening after the recital, when the reception was cleaned up and everyone had gone home, I was walking through the residence hall and I saw a magazine clipping on someone’s door. It contained a simple phrase: “If you want to soar with the eagles you have to jump off the cliff.” It seemed strangely appropriate, and punctuated the evening. I felt as though I had turned my first corner.
My most powerful feeling of finally realizing I was going to make it actually just came to me a few days ago! Here is an important lesson: Everyone worries about the debate over whether or not you should confront your abuser, either face to face or in letters that you may or may not send. Rarely, if ever, have I heard anyone talk about confronting your healers. What I mean by this is being at the point where you can tell someone directly, in words or song, what they have meant to you on your journey, regardless of whether or not they even knew that they'd helped you. Depending on the situation, they might not even know about your history of abuse but somehow did or said the right thing, set a good example, or inspired you with their own survival. I had an opportunity to do that this past weekend, and it is a powerful experience. I found it actually requires quite a bit of bravery, not only because your heart is on your sleeve and you're about to reveal something very personal about yourself, but also because you will worry about placing the burden of your abuse on the other person, especially if they didn't know about your history. I know I felt as if I had no right to do that to the people in question. But the larger isssue is not the abuse, it's the fact that they had some part in helping you to overcome it, and they deserve to know. After I had done it, I felt as though I had walked through a door to the rest of my life.
8. Is there anything that you would like to say to someone just beginning their journey?
9. If there was one piece of advice you would give, or one thing you would want the significant other, best friend, etc. of a survivor to keep in mind through out the survivors healing process, what would that be?
MUSIC
www.myspace.com/luxaeternachoir
________________________
IMPORTANT UPDATE:
Lux Aeterna's Survivor's Tribute Concert
will also be performed during the
Piccolo Spoleto Festival!
Date: Saturday, June 2 at 6pm
Location: St. Matthew's Lutheran Church
Charleston, SC
___________
“Your Morn Shall Rise”
Out of the darkness
Your morn shall rise
Out of the misery
You shall have hope;
Out of the silence
Shall spring a new song.
Let me plant this music upon your lips
With the most intimate of kisses.
Do not ask my name.
Come.
Come with me down this road of night.
Let me be your guide
As we relive your bloody heritage
Blow by blow
And curse by curse.
Throughout horrific visions
I will be there to hold you.
Come and grope in dark corners
For truths unseen.
Come, and
Stumbling
Reach for fickle hands
Who only for a summer stay.
When they slip from your grasp
I will still be with you.
I am not a lover, not hero,
Nor friend.
They may fade like the sunset
And return you to the darkness
In your heart.
I will never leave your side.
Do you ask my name?
I am the spirit they bludgeoned, my friend.
I am the soul they murdered, awaiting resurrection.
I am your very being,
And I wait
For you
In silence.
Tori Amos is quoted as saying “when the bleeding starts, the cleansing can begin.” It is essential that a survivor learn how to- and be allowed to- express pain before he/she can heal. Although I have never experienced sexual abuse or assault, I have always felt a kinship with those who have experienced what is also a physical, soul-shattering violation. I sometimes refer to abuse as “rape” or murder of the soul.
“Prayer for Music”
Pray for music
from the stupid redheaded girl
crouched in the corner,
shivering,
silent.
She is
still
screaming.
Pain
from the wounds
of the ancient rape
draws her song in upon itself
and
cowering and numb
they
die.
I wrote this song in January of 2007. It is about the arduous road that a survivor must take to become whole, and praises the example set by those who encounter difficult situations but do not lose heart. Here a link is provided to listen to this song titled "Home"
“Home”
words and music by Karen Marrolli
A thousand mirrors on the wall and each one paints a different reflection.
Who am I supposed to be? What path will take me in that direction?
I see reflections of girl who died beneath the weight of his aggression.
I see a woman holding her, still not sure what she should take from this lesson.
I see a leader standing there, who wears her fake assurance like a mask.
I see a girl all fettered like a slave to all the violence in her past.
You make me want to throw these chains on the ground,
Smash all the mirrors and make my soul unbound.
Did you ever know that what’s in your heart
is the power to heal your soul when the whole world’s come apart?
Did you ever see the strength inside your soul?
When everything is broken, your smile can make it whole.
Did you ever feel…
this far from home?
Along the road to who knows where it seems the journey is never-ending.
The destination seems the goal, but truth be told, our “home” is in the sending.
I carry every scrape and scar from stumbling down the rocky road behind me,
And it seems at every turn I make the ghosts I thought I’d lost will always find me.
You make me want to stay this path ‘till I crawl
Though I may tire I will never, never fall.
Did you ever know what’s in your heart
Is the power to heal a soul when the whole world’s come apart?
Did you ever see the strength inside your soul?
When everything is broken, a smile can make it whole.
Did you ever feel…
This far from home?
You make me see there’s so much more I must do
Until someone says to me what I would say to you:
“Did you ever know what’s in your heart
Is the power to heal a soul when the whole world’s come apart?
Did you ever see the strength inside your soul?
When everything is broken, your smile will make it whole.
I no longer feel
So far from home.”All Words & Music Copyrighted by Karen Marrolli
© 2006 - 2007
LETTER
To my father:
I remember the day that you died. It was a beautiful, warm spring day in late April, and it felt like rebirth. I remember feeling like my life was starting at the moment that you were gone. I was finally free. At a time that most people are mourning, I was experiencing my “spring.”
It seems that all throughout my childhood you were intimidating me. I learned not to speak. I learned to watch every step or have to deal with the consequences, whether they were being yelled at, berated, or knocked across a room. Still, all I really wanted was your approval. It was not forthcoming. All of my achievements fell on deaf ears, but still I kept trying to get through to you.
The evening before you died, Aunt Laura took me home from the hospital. She told me that all you could talk about was me, and I remember thinking, “what a waste.” Why not tell your daughter? The only way I remember you communicating with me was through violence, threats, and insults. I will never forget the day that my mother graduated with her Associates degree, and I was very ill an could not go to the graduation ceremony. Your response was to tell me that she had achieved something great and that I would never do anything like that in my lifetime. Well, the first part of that was right. What she achieved was admirable. What I have achieved since then (be it my B.M. summa cum lauda, my M.M. with honors, or any of my other professional or personal achievements) has been exceptional, and if you were still alive in a few years you would have to call me “doctor.” I have achieved a great deal, and will continue to, in spite of you.
I understand that you were the kind of parent that your father was to you, and some day I may even be able to forgive your behavior. However, I have learned to not make excuses for what you have done. I have learned to see myself for who I am, not for who you made me believe I was. The great positive in this is that your memory will always live on… in the works I create to help others heal. Rest in peace.
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