The Survivor Archives Project

BIO

My name is Eden and I’m a 30 year old survivor of Childhood Verbal & Emotional Abuse, Date Rape, Sexual Assault which led to pregnancy and a subsequent abortion, Relationship Violence, and cross-country Stalking. Those are simply key situations in my past. Although they are a part of who I am today, they no longer define me. I spent many years mourning for the person that I was before those terrible tragedies befell me, but I am now in the midst of the awesome power of healing. I’ve taken all my labels, such as Self-Injurer, Anorexic, Bipolar, Depressive and tossed them in the wind. I no longer need them to define myself. As a survivor, I can be anything I want to be! I am taking that motto by the horns and delighting in each new day I get to live my life.

I now take care of my body as well as my mind. When my mind needs to write a journal entry, I allow it to do so. When my body needs to cry, it can cry as long and hard as it likes. When I want to sing and dance, I do so with all my might. If I’m feeling low, I make a cup of hot tea, snuggle up in a blanket, and read a good book. Healing means taking care of myself. I’m learning that it’s not selfish to listen to my body and my mind. It’s a must!

I have new goals in my life now that I never thought I would achieve before. My dream at age 22 (the year the date rape occurred) was to move to NYC and be a Broadway Star. I haven’t forgotten that dream. Although I wasn’t strong enough to move there after what had happened to me, I’ve never forgotten my dream. As it stands now, I am planning on making the move, 7 years later, after I finish up my one-on-one counseling. This is a dream I thought I’d never see realized, but with my new lease on life and after making the decision to stop living in the past and to start living in the present, I’m going to go for it! It won’t be easy, but nothing worth doing is easy!

Another dream that I have, is being realized right now. In May of 2006, in the height of my Rape & Trauma Counseling, I started my own website called Taking Back Control. It’s a resource for Survivors of any type of assault. There’s even a message board where survivors can directly reach out to other survivors to help each other along in their journey to true healing. I’ve met many amazing women through this site, and I look forward to many more years of advocacy in this medium.

~ Eden's Contact Information ~

Email:            edensurvivor@yahoo.com

Homepgs:   

                      www.taking-back-control.com

                      www.taking-back-control.com/board (Message Board)
 

 

 Article in Jane Magazine Featuring Eden R.
(Pseudonym: "Jessie" in article)

 

Note:  You may need to save the jpg images below to your computer and then open them in any photo-editing program that you may use. Depending on your browser this may be neccessary in order to view the article pages in their entirety! 

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Q & A

 

1.  What is your favorite coping skill?
I never leave home without a rock in my pocket. If I’m feeling anxious or on-edge, I just reach in my pocket and squeeze the rock. No one knows it’s in there. Only I do. If I’m feeling particularly angry about something, I’ll reach in and try to bend the ends towards one another, which I know is impossible, but it still gets my anger out when I’m trying. I suggest that everyone suffering from PTSD keep a small pebble or rock in your pocket. They have some at Hallmark Stores with sayings like “Peace”, and they also have really neat painted ones called Light Stones on this website:http://www.healingbaskets.com/prod_4500.htm I own the one that says “Hope.”

2.  What was the best piece of healing advice you ever received?
My counselor told me that I could reprogram my body to react normally to stress and smaller traumas. I didn’t believe her at first. I’d spent so many years “flying off the handle” at seemingly minute traumas, because my body had been trained on that one fateful day that it was being attacked. For 6 years after my initial trauma, my body continued to behave as those it was being attacked. I didn’t believe it was possible to retrain my mind and body to react in a more normal state.

My counselor told me that I needed to relearn positive coping techniques instead of the negative ones I’d been using since the tragedy had occurred. Instead of starving myself for control, or cutting myself to feel the pain, I could take a hot bath to calm down, or wrap up in a warm blanket. If I was zoning out at work, I now had tools to fight that. I could tap my feet gently on the floor, or do visual labeling to bring myself back into the room. “I see a calendar. I see a light. I see a computer.” Once I incorporated these techniques into my daily life, they became habits, healthy habits! This piece of advice certainly saved my sanity and made me a true believer that I have the ability to alter my negative thinking! The results are amazing! I am not the same person I was a year ago when my healing journey began.

3.  What was the worst piece of healing advice you ever received?
It actually comes from my mother. On the night I was assaulted, she told me she had a bad feeling that I should just stay in that night, and not go out as planned. I told her I’d be fine. To this day, 7 years after the first assault, she still reminds me that she told me to stay in that night, as if nothing would have ever happened had I listened to her. It makes me feel like she’s telling me in a roundabout way that I got what I deserved because I didn’t stay in like she told me to. On one level, I realize that she probably can’t let go of this, because she feels guilty about that night, but what she doesn’t realize is that I did go out that night, but I did NOT deserve to be assaulted. Having her bring it up over and over again is detrimental to my healing.

 
4.  What were the three hardest obstacles to overcome?

1. Truly believing, with all my heart, that what happened to me wasn’t my fault

2. Learning to think positively after years of thinking the worst about myself

3. Deciding to participate in life

5.  Have you ever hit "rock bottom"? What kept you going?

I liken the healing journey to that of climbing a volcano. I’ve slid down that mountain many times, into the lava below. Each time I reached a new understanding and a new footing on the side of the mountain, something else would come up from my subconscious that would send me reeling back to the bottom. At times, I was so sick from anorexia, that I was losing my hair. I could barely walk, but I kept going. “Left right. Left right.” I knew there had to be something better than the hell on earth I was living in. If I could just keep going forward, I could reach the top of the mountain and the lava would stop erupting. It happened for me. Perseverance is the key. Trust in yourself. You have it in you to make it up the mountain and skip down the other side!


6.  What does forgiveness mean to you?

Forgiveness of others has always come easy to me; it is self-forgiveness that eludes me. I guess self-forgiveness is realizing that I did the best I could in the circumstances in which I was placed. [writer’s note: I had to edit that sentence to personalize it. When I wrote it, I used the word “you” instead of “I”. I guess I’m still working on forgiveness!]

7.  When did you know that everything was going to be okay -- that you were going to make it?

In 2006, deep amidst my personal journal towards health, I decided for the first time in 7 years, that I wanted to live. Before that moment, I was continually starving myself, trying to delete myself a little at a time. I didn’t participate in the world around me, spending my time on earth in deep depression, closed off and alone. I wasn’t actively seeking to commit suicide, but I wasn’t actively trying to live either. One day, out of nowhere, it was simply time to make the decision to live. And to live, meant to start figuring out who I was now, not trying to get back who I was before the traumas occurred.

8.  Is there anything that you would like to say to someone just beginning their journey?

There is no right or wrong way to react to what you’ve been through. Sometimes you’re going to feel numb; other times you’re going to be very angry. Don’t ever let anyone tell you how to feel. Sadness, Anxiety, Anger, Rage, Shame, Guilt, Fear, Embarrassment, and Hyper-vigilance are all normal reactions. Let yourself feel them. Let them be “normal.” Be who you are and how you’re feeling. Only you and your body can decide your healing process. Let it happen naturally.

9.  If there was one piece of advice you would give, or one thing you would want the significant other, best friend, etc. of a survivor to keep in mind through out the survivors healing process, what would that be?

Check in with the survivor everyday. Leave them a phone message if they don’t answer that says, “I just wanted to let you know that I’m thinking about you today. If you would like to talk, please call back and I’d be happy to make time for you. If you don’t feel like talking today, we’ll try again tomorrow.” Understand that they may need their space, but that they also need to know their support system is there if they need to take advantage of it. Small cards in the mail can help brighten their day! Send an e-card or an email. Don’t try and get them to tell you how they’re feeling. They’ll tell you when they’re ready. The best way to reach out and let them know you are willing to listen when they are ready, is to make small gestures of contact on a consistent basis.

 

 

POETRY


What Have I Learned?
by Eden 5/15/02

I've learned that love is never enough
That the past leaves gnarly roots, just dying to break through the surface,
That sometimes it takes a broken heart to snap you out of your stupor,
That falling in love can be scarier than death for some,
That sobbing is stronger than tears,
That salt deposits on your glasses can become normal,
That starving yourself can feel liberating,
That seeing your ribs can make you smile,
That cutting your arms can ease the fire inside,
That you can't make someone love you,
That you can't make someone show you they love you,
That actions still speak louder than words,
That happiness comes from within,
That you can't base your self-worth on the way others treat you,
That your heart can shatter into 85 million pieces,
That you can find someone that fits with you, spiritually, emotionally, & physically,
But who can't handle falling in love with you,
That would rather immerse himself in a younger girl to feel safer,
Whose voice can still activate the butterflies within you,
Who you wish was holding you on this, the day you were raped,
The day you were lured, and drugged, and held down, and violated,
And left to shudder in secret,
And lie to those around you, by not telling them what happened,
By taking extra-long showers, and getting trashed every night,
And being confused as to why you would sleep with someone who is not your boyfriend,
And weep behind closed doors, on bathroom floors, and in the car,
To tell him in an email why you don't want to be touched,
To constantly feel guilty for everything that happens around you,
To apologize before a crime has been committed,
To bury your anger for almost 2 years,
Before someone breaks your heart and sets you into a fury,
That turns into hate and rage for the guy that lured you, drugged you, raped you twice . . .

Some look at you with pity, others as though you are insane.
Some try to keep you occupied and hold your hand as you cry on the floor.
Sometimes you want to be left alone; sometimes you want to be held.
But the person you want to hold you is never there, never within reach,
Never keeping you safe.
And that kills more than being violated,
For the body can recover,
But the heart has a mind of its own . . .

 
Admitted
by Eden 5/23/03

I admit it
I starve myself
No one really wants to see a woman’s bones
Or a woman’s gaunt cheeks
Or her hair falling out
Or her pitted chest

I admit it
I wear unflattering clothes
In mismatching patterns
And sizes too big
And wrong for the season
Next to women of style

I admit it
I hide my hair
In a bun
In a ponytail
So you won’t see the red
So you won’t notice that I’m different than the rest

I admit it
I don’t want to be touched
Or looked at for very long
Or shown any kindness
Or given any sympathy
Or made to feel

I admit it
I am wasting away
I am ugly
I am fading into the crowd
I am always on guard
I am safe

Traitor
by Eden 9/10/02

My heartbeat, irregular,
My tear ducts in overdrive,
I’m dreading those eyes that will penetrate my soul.
They’ll know my secret even if no one else does.

Breathing in the sweetness of new life,
Feeling that tiny body wiggle,
Hearing those first tones of speech,
And knowing she is God’s creation.

But she is not mine.
Not mine to hold.
Not mine to love.

I’m being tried for treason
In a trial of my own making,
Looking toward the Heavens
For a glimpse of the angel I never got to hold.



Click to Enlarge

Lucky
by Eden 4/15/07

I've spent so much time trying to find the "before" me,
That I forgot to just breathe.
Not everything was taken from me on that fateful night.

I still have a song to sing,
And a voice to sing with.
I still have a life to live,
And I'm going to live it.

Now, I can reach out my hand to other survivors
And together we can find peace,
For we are the lucky ones,
The ones who lived to tell the tale.

 

LETTER

Here’s my letter, written to my anniversary date of the day I was date raped:

“Dear February 15th,

I can feel you looming. I can feel you in my bones. You're a part of me now. You have been for 7 years.

I used to be terrified of you. I used to cry and bawl and shake and fear you. The terror would start months before you were even in sight. I consciously knew you were coming and I waited for the worst.

I used to be angry with you. I was pissed that you even existed. I was mad that you had such an effect on me and my life. I subconsciously knew you were coming for months ahead of time, and was very conscious of you beginning January 1st. With fists clenched, I waited for you.

Now, I vaguely think of you on and off. It started in mid-January. With less than a week to go, I just feel sad. I'm not even sad in the sense that something so horrible happened to me. I'm more in mourning for the innocent girl I used to be. I'm sorry that she ever had to feel such a loss of control and the feeling of having her safe world disintegrate before her eyes.

It's not your fault that you exist, just like it wasn't her fault it happened to her, just like it's okay to admit that I am her."

 

All Words & Poetry Copyrighted  by Eden R.
© 2007